i am a lazy fuck of a man. if you even want to call me that. my saturday nights are like church. sitting. staring. pretending to listen. even god must be disgusted. you know, that being who supposedly has nothing to do besides watch while we buy groceries, walk the dog, and sleep? yeah, that lazy fuck can't even stand my laziness.
last saturday i decided to drive into the city, meet up with some friends, do the social human thing. i wanted to kick the lazy bug and maybe even get laid. or at least tell myself i wanted to get laid. who knows. anyways, i got in around nine.
i didnt eat dinner so i spent about an hour driving around, remembering what reaturants i used to frequent in my college days. i settled on a chicken place, spent another twenty minutes finding an adequate parking spot, but was locked out when i reached the door. i could see a family happily eating inside. well, they looked happy. could have been on the front page of the paper the next morning for all i know. i forgot to check. just missed it, i guess.
i drove to my friends' flat disappointed and hungry. i chatted for a bit about various nothings, drink cheap tequila with diet Mountain Dew, watched some crappy nature show and fell asleep. mission accomplished, sort of.
i bolted early the next day before my friends awoke. i didnt want them to think i was kidnapped or something, so i spent about an hour reading the bible, wondering if they were going to get up and have breakfast with me. i read the entire book of ezekial, couldn't find the passage Samuel Jackson quoted in Pulp Fiction all those times, and left. Hollywood and their lies.
drving home through the unmoving trees of new england, i started yelling at myself. "WHY CANT YOU JUST "DO"? EVERYONE ELSE DOES!" According to Nike, I needed an "it". I decided dunking a basketball wasnt the answer and continued to search my cranial database for other media-inspired forms of fulfillment.
in the midst of my anxiety fueled soul searching, another driver cut in front of me, rolled down his window and extended his middle finger, as if to say, "pay attention, you lazy piece of shit". indeed. i pulled into the far left lane and began hauling ass. asphalt and testosterone are a dangerous mix. it didnt take long to realize those flashing lights outside were for me.